Mom. Wife. Work. Repeat. You get into a routine and you just keep going. But at what cost? I realized at the beginning of this year that I had lost myself in it all. I realized I was not ok. With this realization came a wave of guilt that rushed over me. How can I possibly be sad and feel lost? I have what I’ve always wanted and so many out there dream of wanting. A husband whom I love and loves me. Healthy, beautiful and thriving little girls. Cutest and sweetest dog. The home of my dreams. Successful real estate career. Friends that are like family. On paper, I believe this is the definition of a perfect life.

At the beginning of this year I broke down. I was crying a lot and for those who know me, know that tears don’t come easy to me. I’ve just never been a crier. But wow, you would never know that from the first couple months of this year. I told those closest to me that I needed to find my happy again. After a lot of back and forth (with myself), I finally came to the conclusion that I needed a break. I obviously couldn’t take a break from being a mom or a wife. But I could take a break from being a realtor. So I did just that and am officially on a summer sabbatical. I know this isn’t an option for everyone and trust me when I say I don’t take my ability to do this for granted.

I am dedicating this summer to finding me again. Finding my happy. Figuring out how to make more time for myself while still giving everyone else what they need from me too. At first I was overwhelmed because here I am adding to my list of things to do. But then, I felt hopeful. I want to find Carly again. I know she is somewhere in there because on occasion she comes alive again. Traveling with my hubby, girls’ nights with my besties and solo time help. To be honest, this passion project of ‘No One Talks About It’ is helping more than I ever thought possible. The writing and sharing real and raw moments with people is very therapeutic. Maybe it’s getting it all out in the open or maybe it’s realizing that so many of us are feeling this way and being less alone in it is putting me more at ease. Most of all, I am realizing that I feel most alive when I am helping others and making a difference.

I’m one month into my sabbatical and I’m putting in the work with myself. I’m doing all the things. Some days I write, some days I cry, some days I read about perfectionism and anxiety (hey it’s me, I’m the problem, lol) and I’m trying so hard to meditate…I’m doing all the things I know I need to do that I never had time for before. I was at max capacity and out of air. I am so proud of myself for doing it. I realize now more than ever that I needed this big time. The outpouring of love and support I have gotten when I tell people about my sabbatical is incredible. I’m truly so grateful for every single one of those who support me in this.

It was a huge leap to take. I’m a very successful (humble brag) realtor and to put that on pause was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Alongside admitting that I am not ok. But if I can set any sort of example for my girls, it would be that we can only handle so much. Admitting weakness is a strength. Working on yourself will help you serve others. It’s not selfish, it’s selfless. And most important of all, you deserve to be happy.

I don’t know what life looks like post sabbatical. I know I won’t magically figure it all out in the next two months. Honestly, I probably won’t ever figure it all out but I can see the light now. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again. Carly is on her way back and that makes me smile.

I know other moms out there are going through this as well. Just know you’re not the only one. In fact, I think we may be in the majority. I recently shared a sit down discussion between Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey where they shared an incredibly profound realization that I’ll leave you with. ‘You can have it all but you can’t have it all at once.’ It’s a hard truth to swallow as a woman and a mother. One that I am going to discuss in another blog post I’m currently working on.

Here’s to all the mamas out there trying to find ‘you’ again. I know she is worth finding not only for the ones who love you but for yourself too!