Becoming a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) has been a journey unlike any other. From the moment my son entered the world, I knew that parenthood would be a tumultuous ride, marked by unique challenges and unforeseen struggles.
Early on, I found myself face-to-face with Postpartum Depression, its suffocating embrace enveloping me. It was a stark contrast to the journey I had endured to bring my son into the world, leaving me with conflicted emotions. The challenges mounted — sleep deprivation, breastfeeding struggles, and a constant battle with my own emotions. Each day brought new doubts, casting shadows on my ability to navigate the realm of parenthood.
As time passed, I grappled with the unspoken trials of undiagnosed neurodiversity, engaging in battles with my inner demons in the silence of the night. Less than a year after my son’s birth, my life took a sharp turn, and even after addressing my postpartum struggles, a lingering sense of something amiss persisted.
Trusting my instincts, I took the initiative to advocate for myself with my doctor, pushing for the formal diagnosis that had eluded me for over two decades. I can vividly recall that day when I sat down and spent an hour discussing my life, responding to a series of questions. At the conclusion of the meeting, I was assigned a new label: Borderline Personality Disorder.
For years, I had carried the burden of feeling like an outsider in a world that made sense to everyone but me. Social interactions were a puzzle I couldn’t solve, leaving me bewildered and anxious. The fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of not belonging, was a constant companion.
Undiagnosed BPD was like an invisible wall, separating me from the world. I felt like an alien in my own life. As I journeyed through life, I watched my peers achieve milestones, form deep connections, and maintain stability that seemed out of reach for me.
The feeling of not fitting in only intensified. I began to believe I was fundamentally flawed, that my inability to harmonize with the world was proof of my inadequacies. It wasn’t until the BPD diagnosis that everything fell into place. It was the revelation I had been searching for, the key to understanding my inner world. But it wasn’t an instant fix. It was more like a bumpy ride through a maze of medication trials.
I found myself waiting for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills groups, all while trying to make sense of this newfound knowledge. A word of advice: Don’t Google your diagnosis before consulting a professional. It led me down a rabbit hole of discouraging information and statistics, focusing on the worst aspects of the condition.
As I reflected on my upbringing, I realized that there were patterns of behaviour and emotional experiences that were not entirely dissimilar to what I would later face with BPD. However, these signs were not readily recognized or understood by those around me. Understanding this is essential because it’s a reminder that my journey with BPD is not solely a result of my parent’s actions or choices. It’s a complex interplay of nature and nurture.
My journey as a parent with BPD and ADHD has been marked by struggles and triumphs. Each day presents new challenges, but I am committed to breaking the cycle and offering my own child a different experience. I want to foster open communication about mental health and provide a safe space for him to express his emotions and struggles.
My journey has taught me the importance of addressing these issues openly, without shame or blame, so that he can thrive in an environment that supports his emotional well-being. I believe that it is important for me to share my struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder with my son as he grows older.
To be honest, this worries me a great deal. I wonder if sharing details of my disorder will burden him with anxiety and confusion about why I am the way that I am. Even more terrifying is the idea that his future might look exactly like mine.
Parenthood is truly incredible, but it often comes with a shadow of fear and guilt. I find myself feeling guilty at times, fearing that I can’t live up to the image of the perfect mom, forever brimming with boundless energy.
Yet, amidst my fears, my husband’s empathy and support have been my rock. Together, we vow to navigate parenthood with love, understanding, and open communication.
My journey as a parent with BPD and ADHD is a story of hope, resilience, and the power of love. Despite the challenges, I’ve found strength in my journey, shaping me into the parent I am today. My story serves as a beacon of hope for others navigating similar paths, reminding them that despite the challenges, there is always room for growth, love, and endless possibilities in parenthood