This one was hard to write because my ‘hard’ will seem like a blessing to many. Don’t get me wrong, a blessing for us as well. But for me personally, it was really hard. Our girls are 15 months apart. That means at just six months postpartum, we got pregnant with baby number two. A total shock to say the least. Getting pregnant so soon after having our first was too much for me to handle mentally and physically. I was in an incredible amount of pain very early on and my anxiety skyrocketed.
I found myself in a very uneasy space. Terrified of what was to come having just gone through it, mourning the time that was now ticking away with just me and my first born and feeling guilty for not finding joy in the fact that another baby was coming. I felt alone because no one truly understood what I was going through (except one friend who I’ll forever be grateful for).
Most women would kill for this to happen to them and I know they thought ‘How can she complain like this? What is wrong with her?’ I can’t blame them, I probably would have thought the same thing. With anything in life though, it is so hard for anyone to understand unless you have personally been through it.
I can honestly tell you that I had or admittedly may still have some form of PTSD. I lost myself in it all which I’ll go into more in another blog post I’m working on. But through it all, I am finding the light and joy. There’s a bigger plan for all of us. Someone knew exactly what we would need before we did and for us it was a baby girl named Hayden.
Hayden is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I realize now how much she taught me before she was Earthside and just how much I needed her. I can do hard things. I can power through incredible amounts of pain. But the biggest lesson of all is that some of the best things in life are those you never planned for. I am a huge believer in ‘everything happens for a reason.’ Sometimes it’s incredibly hard to see but one day the fog will clear. I cannot imagine my life without our Haddie girl.
Hayden is truly the greatest gift. For me and Zach but most of all, Emerson. Their bond is unlike anything I have ever seen or experienced. Sisters are special. As for Emerson, she was meant to be a big sister. She is the most caring and motherly little girl I’ve ever known. She had to start sharing mommy much earlier than we had ever planned but she did so with pure grace.
Emerson and Hayden are two of my greatest joys and the loves of my life. I am beyond proud and grateful to be their mommy. The light is shining on us and we are (dare I say) thriving. If I do say so myself, it feels really good to be here and looking back I can honestly say that my ‘hard’ was worth it knowing what I know now.