I knew I wanted to be a mother one day, and throughout my 20s it had always seemed like something that would eventually happen, probably with the help of medical intervention due to my struggle with infertility because of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I did not at all see it coming when this year I had lost 30 pounds, and that in turn tremendously helped my PCOS symptoms, allowing me to conceive very quickly. I was shocked at first, since I had spent the last 3+ years thinking I was going to have difficulties with becoming pregnant. My husband and I were of course surprised, excited, and understandably nervous as this wasn’t planned and it’s our first child. I discovered I was pregnant at 5 weeks. I had maybe one week of elation and anticipation for my pregnancy and bringing our baby into the world before I began struggling with morning sickness.

At first it seemed normal, just getting sick a couple of times throughout the day but still being able to function as usual. That would quickly change. I started getting more and more sick, until it began affecting my job. I’m a hairstylist and there came a point where I could not get through a haircut without having to rush to the bathroom. I ended up having to take a leave from work, I was vomiting every 15-30 minutes all day every day. Nothing I ate or drank would stay down, I became bedridden, just constantly nauseous and vomiting. By the time I was 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, despite having already been to the doctor getting prescribed Zofran that was not helping, I was losing more weight and found myself incredibly dehydrated, nearly passing out every time I vomited. My husband took me to the hospital, where I received fluids and medications through an IV and was officially diagnosed with Hyperemisis Gravidarum.

Everything I tried was just a temporary fix that might buy me a few hours of peace. I was still getting asked by people if I had tried ginger or peppermint oil or eating saltine crackers. I had done everything I knew to try and was still miserably sick. It was truly the worst I had ever felt in my life, but I had hope that it would get better and go away at some point in my second trimester. I have stopped getting my hopes up.  I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and still getting sick multiple times a day, every single day. It has hindered my life in so many different aspects. I have been so depressed for months now, unable to do anything but use up all of my energy barely making it through my workdays.

I never imagined pregnancy looking like this, just surviving every day and not enjoying a single moment. I feel robbed of being happy to have a baby, all I can focus on is doing whatever I can to control my vomiting. It’s super frustrating because every day is different, there is no specific routine or diet that helps, medications only help so much. Every day is different, and every day is miserable. I am exhausted. It’s crazy because I’m not even scared about giving birth or the postpartum phase anymore- it can’t possibly be worse than the constant nausea and vomiting I have experienced during pregnancy.

I have felt immense guilt over not being as happy about being pregnant as I always thought I’d be. Dealing with HG has single-handedly been one of the most lonely and isolating experiences of my life, despite having a supportive husband and family. I know this is all temporary and that I will be over the moon once I finally get to hold my baby girl, but until then I am not denying all my negative feelings about the way my pregnancy is going. I have made it through some very hard days, and I will continue to do so. All that does not minimize my current feelings of exhaustion and discouragement regarding my daily battles.

Other moms out there who suffer from severe morning sickness- I see you, I understand wholeheartedly, and I know we will power through this and come out on the other side filled with love for our babies.